As I sit here writing this blog entry, Bruce Cockburn's "You've Never Seen Everything" is blaring out of the stereo, filling up my house. I love it! I haven't played music like this for months and months and today it feels good. Although the physical healing from cancer treatment is almost completely done, the spiritual healing takes a little longer. Cancer is a bully that bruises your soul. It mauls your confidence. It takes your psyche out in the back alley and stomps on it. It is all-consuming to the point that you can lose yourself for a while and forget some of the things that make you happy. But, the spirit is strong in us humans. Mine is resurrecting. Hope is back.

It's just amazing that, given everything I've been through this year, I feel so normal! It just boggles my mind - the enormity of it all. Diagnosis, chemotherapy, surgery, surgery again and radiation therapy. Except for missing my boobs, I feel exactly the same as I did last year. Impressive! Go figure, though...

The leaves did it.

One thing cancer has taught me is that life is very precious! Of course, our own lives are precious and so are the lives of the people we love. But, the world is also very beautiful and precious. For me, it increasingly seems well worth the effort to try to be in the moment and enjoy and appreciate the world around me. It would be tragic for anyone, with or without cancer, to realize this on their last day! Better to learn to see beauty and find joy sooner rather than later.
In that spirit I offer this observation; it's sort-of  'practice' for being more in the world.
On the way home from work today, the trees were beautiful. This fall has been a good one and today the yellow, orange, red and brown leaves were shimmering in the golden afternoon sunlight. It was that time of day, 3:30pm, when the light slants a bit and increases the depth of field. Looking all around at this beautiful stuff made me feel good and made me so much nicer to other drivers. There are perfectly good human beings encased in all that metal, glass and plastic! Maybe I managed to pass on my good mood in some way...

When I pulled off the hospital parking lot the other day, I had to pay full price for parking. That's a sure sign that things are getting back to normal for me. No more frequent flyer discount for parking! Yay (sort of)!

The P**p on P**p for Ladies

Well, I didn't want to say 'poop' out loud in public, so I used the asterisks. But now that you're reading this I can tell you that I found out something about pooping, and being regular, that I just had to share with my girlfriends. I do like to use my little forum for the occasional public service announcement. And here it is: The secret to daily pooping is - Prune Juice! I am not kidding! Prune juice! I felt like a senior citizen (not that I have anything against senior citizens) buying PJ at the Giant. I might as well be buying Geritol, I thought. I guess if you can remember Geritol, you really might be a senior citizen. I'll let the young folks google it.

Anyhoo, my wonderful, wonderful psychiatrist, Dr Lois Conn, recommended PJ years ago but I hadn't tried it til now because, well, it's for old people! But, with all the procedures and drugs I've been having this year, I needed some help in the pooping department. Most of the drugs that I've had to take, and it's been so many, lists 'constipation' as one of the side effects, so I broke down and bought a bottle. I have to tell you, it doesn't taste real great. I prefer OJ. But, oh wow, does it work! Fortunately, I happened to read about drinking PJ for regularity just before I started drinking it. It was recommended to start out with a small glass of PJ, instead of the extra large size drink that most of us seem to have these days. It's a good thing that I only drink about 1/3 cup each morning because otherwise, I would be in the bathroom too much. It's that effective!

I'm sorry if this sounds like a Sunsweet commercial but I really, really like the idea that PJ is natural. It's not a chemical laxative nor is it an artificial bowel stimulant. It's also got lots of fiber, and not the added cellulose kind found in those fiber drinks.

So, let the young folks laugh when they look in my fridge and see PJ in there. I poop like a man these days - ie. each and every day - and I love it!

Park Visit

A while back, David and I took a bike ride to the nearby watershed. On the way, we passed through the Richard & Annette Bloch Cancer Survivors Park. It has a lot more meaning for me now, seeing as how I am a cancer survivor! The figures behind me represent newly diagnosed cancer patients who are scared and confused. Those in front of me depict the survivors, happy and cancer-free. (Well, they look happier in person, I'm sure!)

Last Radiation Therapy Today!

Hey, today was my very last Radiation Therapy treatment! Yay! I still have Herceptin infusions every three weeks until March. Three months from now, I will look at my reconstruction options, so I have to take extra good care of my skin and get all my range-of-motion back. But we are finished with the big guns - chemo, surgery and now radiation!

RT really takes over your life. Treatments are every day, Monday through Friday. Gradually, I noticed more side effects over time. I have some burned skin and a few blisters. The burns are sort of like a bad sunburn, except deeper and darker. I guess the burn is more intense because of the daily exposure.

I think that my effects from treatment are just right. If the treatment was stronger, I might have had to take a break from radiation. The very nice, very friendly woman who had her treatment in the time slot before mine had to take two breaks because her skin was highly reactive and blistered badly.

If my treatment was weaker, I might not have been burned at all but also might not have gotten maximum benefit. All my life, I have had few sunburns and did not tan very easily. Kind of funny since I'm so pale but that's how I roll. This skin attribute protected me during Radiation Therapy and allowed me to get zapped nice and strong - just how I wanted it!

I have been so very lucky, all the way through all of the various procedures and treatments that I've had. Each one has defintely had it's challenges, but my nice, strong, healthy body came through each time and everything has been very effective. I'm hoping that this means a lower possibility of recurrence cause I do not want to go through any of it ever again!