I always cry when I get a shock. I cry if it's a good shock, like the time Alex told me that Daria was pregnant, or when I get a bad shock like the other night when I saw myself in the mirror for the first time since the surgery. I had been scrupulously avoiding mirrors but the bathroom mirror wasn't turned to the wall as usual. Fortunately, I didn't have my glasses on and my 20/400 vision doesn't allow for sharp details. What I saw in the mirror didn't register at first. You know, when you see something awful you go "What Is That?"? Then, I screamed and started to cry and sob and wail. Instead of luscious, creamy mounds I saw a concave chest with ugly, livid purple and brown slashes. There were nebulous bumps here and there as an added feature. It's not as if I didn't know that my breasts were missing - of course I did! But, to actually see it in the mirror was shocking. Poor David was trying to comfort me and hugged me which made me cry harder because there was nothing now between his chest and mine - just air! Oh, gosh, I felt so bad. I looked like an alien, a monster! I briefly considered that, if I took all my Imipramine and all of the Oxycodone pills I could probably die without feeling anything. I'd just go to sleep and all would be over. But then I realized I'm not made that way. I could never, ever do that to Olivia and David and my sister and brother and friends. Besides, I want my tombstone to say something other than "Here Lies Jane - She Died of Vanity"! Before I was all cried out I remembered that this was by far not the worst I've ever felt. Until age 38, I had undiagnosed clinical depression. It peaked at around age nineteen and then again at 32 or so. Those times were so scary. It was frightening how unrelentingly bad I felt. Most of the time, I lived in a dark empty hole. Figuratively, of course. Voices in my head kept me awake at night sometimes. Often, there was no pleasure in lots of normal things that people enjoy and no confidence in myself. Thank goodness for modern psychiatric chemistry. For almost twenty years now the depression has been at bay and life has been good.
I will get over myself and feel better about my appearance - sometime soon. Maybe, next year, I might be able to get some reconstructive surgery. Or maybe not. My life is precious and I am so glad that, even though I have had cancer, I will go on living for a long, long time!
Thanks for your honesty and bravery in sharing this with us. As you said recently a positive outlook is the best medicine and once again you show that even at a low point you can see light at the end of the tunnel.
ReplyDeleteMan o man, or rather, Woman o Woman! Every now and again I get a lesson smacked upside my head, and, Jane, your post did just that for me this morning. I have much to learn of courage and living life on life's terms. Thank you! Blessings!
ReplyDeleteJim @101
Jane, I have a friend, Adell U., who is a dancer in Lancaster. she had double mastect., & reconstructions with "implants" and after several years, and subsequent
ReplyDeletethyroid cancer,also dealt with well, and then discovered they were leaking saline(??) had the implants removed...the bottom line is she looks beautiful in her leotard just the way she is, without breasts, and she showed me once (before she had the inserts out) and any scarring was not visible in tone or shape.She has developed chest muscle that gives her a "boyish/young girlish silhouette...it actually is appealing..also, there was some blk and wht photographer that did a series on post surgery women, who had not done any reconstructs. and the women were absolutely stunning..just wait 'n see...get your curly hair back in, Give your body a chance to heal. David sounds like he was very nurturing, as far as any man can be in that situation. For me, I still retained a major portion of breast tissue (hope its not a mistake, and I get a relapse) but the center of my chest is totally numb, I think they had to cut a bunch of nerves to get at the deep tumor I had. Hero's that come home from wars with scars/body changes..are just as loved as before, the struggle is their own acceptance and adjustment to the body image...I hope anything I've said is a help,not a harm...
if you look forward to reconstruction..great! I used to joke with the nurses that I am soooo cheap, I'll get a free tummy tuck and a boob job outa this! (the kind of sugury that insurance will only cover if after mastectomy, not lumpectomy...I was always kinda flat chested, so cosmetic surgery is not in my budget...the silver lining for you: you get these probably covered for free...god, I'm a cheapskate!!!! anyhoo...has the peachfuzz turned to kninks yet? got eyebrows?
it will just keep getting better n better...
by the way, I did not know about your depression..me too...what magic coctail of meds do you swear by these days????
love 'n knishes, tovie