Dec 27, 2011

New Year's Resolution



 Right now, my house is filled with Christmas goodies of all kinds. Homemade cookies, chocolate Santa's, peanut butter cups, Chinese food leftovers and a pumpkin pie.


As soon as we eat our way through it all, it's diet and exercise time again. I know - I should just throw most of it out but that seems so wasteful. Especially the homemade cookies and peanut butter cups! And, David's thrifty upbringing doesn't allow him to waste anything (mostly a plus but our overflowing closets and file cabinets could use a good purging).

Starting a get-healthy program will be great for my self-esteem, my heart and my energy level. But, even more importantly, it may help me fight off a breast cancer recurrence. I've been reading lately about how regular  exercise can help lower a women's risk for getting breast cancer. Even women who have already had it can better avoid another bout by being active. Here's a link to an article from the National Cancer Institute if you need some inspiration:


                     http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/factsheet/prevention/physicalactivity#a4

Note especially question number 5. If you live in Baltimore and would like a workout buddy, I'm your girl!

Oct 18, 2011

Doing well, going good

Surgery was 4 days ago and it's going so well! I'm feeling good and I'm able to take walks in the neighborhood and do stairs and get up off the couch all by myself! I am far from by myself, though. I have the best family ever! Today, David and Olivia completed an outdoor project for me. Weeds were cleared, new plants were planted, mulch was spread and everything cleaned up! All I had to do was supervise.

Oct 10, 2011

More Surgery!

So I have another surgery scheduled for this Friday, the 14th. I'm going to start the breast reconstruction process. Step one is expander placement, happening this Friday. Over the next two months, I'll go to the plastic surgeon's office for saline injections each week. Then, I rest for two more months. Then it will be time to get breast implants. Yay! I'll have breasts again! This is no small thing. I feel deformed; I am deformed. My chest is concave. Even a small breasted woman has something there!

I don't want big ones. I want nice little ones that don't bounce too much with exercise. The surgeon can do that - make them have less bounce. So I can still be active and not have to wear the giant masher bra I used to wear:


Speaking of the plastic surgeon, you should have seen his office! Plush, expensive everything. A waterfall in the waiting room. Expensive lighting, expensive carpets and cabinetry. My doctor comes very highly recommended for breast reconstruction after mastectomy. But he makes his money with cosmetic surgeries. Hence, the plush office. David had some amusing comments to make about the office but only I noticed that all the young women working in the outer office were wearing matching, low-ish cut black shirts. And all had matching big boobs! Must have been an employee discount...

I'm having the usual pre-surgery nervousness. Nothing major because I have confidence in the surgeon and the anesthesiologist at Northwest Hospital. I'm hoping that after these two procedures, I won't ever need surgery again!

Aug 5, 2011

A Little Night Cream

I may have already posted my 'plug' for my favorite post-radiation moisturizer. I am far too lazy to look back through my previous posts so I may be saying this again. But, good things are worth saying twice.

Mary Kay Extra Emollient Night Cream is the best! The Radiation Therapy department at Sinai recommended Aquaphor. Aquaphor is nice but the Mary Kay stuff is a bit nicer because it smells nice and it's a pretty rosy-orange color when it comes out of the tube. It also works much better than your average department store moisturizer.

The MK cream made my skin very soft and supple again. That's really saying something because they gave me a large dose of radiation. My skin looked like an oak leaf in winter! I'm sure that there is a more expensive product that works just as well as the Mary Kay. But why spend $100.00 when the MK Extra Emollient Night Cream is $13.00? Pretty much a no-brainer...

I'm not a Mary Kay consultant, just a fan of the good stuff. (My niece used to sell Mary Kay, but not anymore.) So, if you know someone getting Radiation Therapy, you could pass along my tip. Or not.

Aug 1, 2011

Lighten Up!

It's so easy to become a little down. Plenty of sleep, good food and plenty of exercise really go a long way in helping keep my mood up. I try not to think about cancer now. My battle is, for the most part, done. I continue to take my vitamin D and try to be aware of any changes in my body. My new medical oncologist, Dr Mukhtar Hassan, said that he wants to keep an extra eye on me because of the advanced stage in which I presented.
Speaking of Dr Hassan, I want to take a little detour and say something about him. First of all, he is great! I really like him and get a good 'vibe' from him. Very smart, very on top of things. I tried to Google Image him but Dr. Mukhtar Hassan must be a common name in West Africa because there were dozens and dozens of them and I couldn't find my Dr Hassan. (A friend suggested that I include more pictures on my blog.) My previous medical oncologist, Dr Cristina Truica, above, was one of my heroes. She guided me through all the tough treatment. But, she left Sinai for another opportunity and so I was given Dr Hassan. He made quite an initial impression when he walked into the exam room. He is very tall and very black - beautiful color - with an African accent. He was wearing a pale buttery-yellow suit with a pale yellow shirt. He had on shiny leather shoes with a point at the toe. I was delighted! I will see him often over the next few years and feel I'm in good hands.
Anyhoo, my job unfortunately offers me plenty of opportunities to see women with breast cancer who are not doing so well. Some have had treatment but still present with disease. Some are going back into the fray, having had breast cancer a few years ago and are now having a recurrence. So, I try to give them some love and also to separate their battle from my own.
A little humor now and then helps, too. Like the photo below of my new breasts, found on sale at Michael's the other day:
Shiny Coconuts, complete with port-removal scar at upper left

Jul 5, 2011

July the Fourth and other bits

Yesterday was the Fourth of July. We went to see the neighborhood fireworks in the evening. We love these fireworks and have gone to see them every year for quite a while now. It's not a long drive, there isn't much traffic to deal with and, best of all, you're up close so you can lay on a blanket and look up and the fireworks explode right over you in the sky.

As we walked across the school fields, I remembered that I was bald at last year's fireworks.

Tonight, we got a snowball - a great Baltimore summer tradition. I got chocolate, of course, and also remembered, again, that the last time I had a snowball, I was bald. Totally hairless, actually. No eyelashes, no armhair, no eyebrows, etc.

It's amazing the difference a year makes. Now I have hair, and cancer is starting to seem more like a memory and less like a daily reality.

I had a PET/CT scan today. Nothing's wrong - it was just a follow-up. There is still a small (very small) amount of anxiety about the result but I'm confident that the cancer is gone. Last month, I saw a plastic surgeon. He specializes in breast reconstruction after mastectomy. One of the questions I had for him was about recurrence. Of the cancer. I asked what would happen to my new chest if I had a recurrence. He said that it would depend on where the tumor was located. He also said - and this is so great - that I probably wouldn't have a recurrence. He knows what treatments I've had. He said that women who get all the things they threw at me usually didn't get recurrences. Oh, boy, was I happy to hear him say that!

Jun 21, 2011

To do it or not to do it?

Recently, we had a difference of opinion here at my house. It doesn't happen often, this difference of opinion, but the stakes are pretty high on this one.

Here are my opinions: if you have Stage III breast cancer, you get a double mastectomy, period. No mere lumpectomy, no taking off just one side - you get rid of it all. Then, after treatment is done, you get reconstructed. You get reconstructed because breasts define a woman. Not entirely of course, but all us women have breasts. They might be small, they might be large; you may hide them or you may show them off, but they're there. How many times have you wondered "Man or Woman?" and checked for bumps on the chest? Well, I have, anyway. The point is that all women have that curve and I want mine back.

The Wonderful One's opinion was this: I went through a lot and now I'm returning to health. Why put myself through another surgery? Another long recovery? Because breast reconstruction after mastectomy is no small operation. It takes a few hours; there's general anesthesia. They insert an expander under the pectoralis muscle, then 'fill in' over the rest of the implant with 'biologic tissue' (sterilized cadaver tissue) since you can't place the implant directly under the skin. (When you have a breast enhancement, the implant goes under your existing breast tissue but I don't have any breast tissue left to slip it under.) Then, months later, the expander comes out and the implant goes in - another big surgery. The W.O. works in a hospital and sees all the worst case scenarios. Infections, strokes on the table, etc. He doesn't want me to be vulnerable to any of that.

Another good point from the Wonderful One was: Why not be the woman who dares to go without any breasts at all? I'm a survivor; a cancer warrior. I went through some horrible stuff. Show the world that it's OK to live with what you have left. He thinks I'm beautiful, with or without breasts. OK, I'm crying now but.... I just want to feel normal again. I'm neither brave enough nor strong enough to be the one who looks so darn different. I am not only flat-chested, I'm concave! No nipples, no nothing. Ugh! I feel like a freak.

Here's an analogy: Imagine that you had a tumor on your nose. A great, big, malignant tumor. The best way to save you was to cut off your nose, all of it. No nostrils, just two holes above your mouth. So, OK, your life is saved. That's good. But, there's a surgery available to you that's not without risks but it would give you a pretty good facsimile of a nose. Your face would look normal again. Would you take the surgical risk? Maybe the surgery could fail and the nose would fall off and have to be sewn back on again. Would you do it it anyway? Or spend the rest of your life looking like Voldemort?

So, I went with my gut and I will be reconstructed beginning on September 30th. The Wonderful One has stopped all negativity and is, of course, behind me 100 percent!

Jun 13, 2011

The Right Person?

Some people say that having cancer turned out to be a blessing for them. They say that they are glad they had cancer because it led them to something special. I always think to myself, "Well, OK for them, but I would never think that.". There's just no way that having a deadly disease that can come back and kill you even if you think you've won can possibly be a good thing. People need to justify their world so, to make some sense out of it, they need to extract something positive out of all the negative. I understand that, but I'm not buying it! Cancer is bad! It's Bad! But... Every once in a while, I experience something wonderful that wouldn't have been possible without having had cancer.



I was in the lobby of one of the hospitals I work with when the security guard said something to me that I'll never forget. She said "You are the right person, in the right place, at the right time!"

It wasn't the main lobby of the hospital. This was a smaller lobby in a professional building on campus. I know this guard because I see Jackie (no real names!) every week. She is a very kind woman who takes it upon herself to help everyone who needs it by fetching wheelchairs, giving directions, making phone calls, coordinating some transportation issues, etc. All for the patients who visit her lobby. Jackie also knows I had cancer and saw me go from healthy, to bald and sickly, and back again to healthy. On the day she said that phrase to me there was a young woman on my PET/CT trailer, Wanda S., who had just been diagnosed with breast cancer. Wanda was terrified and somewhat in denial. She wasn't ready to think much about treatment. She was angry, too. Fortunately, we were not crazy busy on the trailer that day so I had the opportunity to talk to Wanda about my cancer experience. I try not to be preachy, just share some facts is all. At one point she looked at me - really looked at me - and saw a healthy, happy person and was greatly comforted. When Wanda was finished her test, she went back to Jackie's lobby to meet her friend and her sister, who had come with her that day. Wanda's relief was pretty evident. When I said goodbye, I got a big hug! That's when I turned to go back to my trailer and Jackie said "You are the right person, in the right place, at the right time.".

Of course, I cried a little. I do tend to get weepy. But I was also very happy and proud that I really helped someone that day. I'll still never say cancer was a good thing. But on that day, I was glad to have been through the battle so that I could share my story with someone who needed to hear it.


Apr 26, 2011

Back in the Woods

A long time ago, when David was teaching me how to mountain bike, one of the first things he said was "If you get a stick in your wheel stop right away.".  To keep going might damage the wheel and then where would you be? Why, you'd have to walk out. Could be a long, long walk depending on how far you rode.

Last Spring, I was getting chemotherapy. Last Summer, I had the big, bilateral mastectomy surgery. I definitely had a 'stick in my wheel' and the woods rides were few and short. Most of the rides were on easy trails. Oh, they were fun alright. It's always just great to be in the woods. The rides were just not very 'epic' - as we like to call long, strenuous rides.

This year? No stick in the wheel!! Today, we went on the first of what I hope to be many beautiful, long, strenuous rides! Work I did over the winter at the gym seems to have paid off. I can tell I will be back to my normal very soon. Yay!

The photo is from today's ride. The dogwoods are blooming amid the new green.

Apr 13, 2011

Reachout & Run again

Facebook Post 4/12/2011:
David & I did this 5K last year. I was bald and had to walk the short course. This year, we're doing it again and I'm going to SKIP with my new hair flying all over the place! You can register all the way up to the morning of the event, in Towson, if you want to join us...



Brooklandville, MD

Apr 2, 2011

The Two Dubyah's

I think I might have posted this advice before but here it is again. The best things to do when you are on chemotherapy and feeling rotten are these: Walking and Water! Bundle up if it's cold outside; grab an umbrella if it's raining. Walk as far as you can. It might only be around the block or down the street and back but it helps so much! Also, drink a lot more water than usual. Even when water tastes awful because of the chemo.Walking and Water help to get your systems awake and moving. This is a totally unscientific view of mine of course, but, when I was on chemo, if I sat too long I needed to shake things up a bit. All those bad chemicals start pooling and roiling around inside my body. Walking and Water made me feel better - a bit more normal.

There are other things that can make things more tolerable, too. Good family and friend support, a wonderful spouse and confidence in your doctors are a few of them. So is a good night's sleep. So many times for me, a good night's sleep kind of snuck up on me and provided a wonderful benefit. I'd lay down at night, not at all confident that I could sleep. Do I dare turn over and mix everything up inside? Would I get sick during the night? How much worse was I going to feel before it got better? Then, miraculously, the next thing I knew, I'd be waking up in the morning! I guess it's kind of a secret benefit of going through chemo. You're so exhausted that sleep often comes, gloriously, in the midst of the suffering and somewhat restores you.

Yep - sleep, and Walking and Water, so often did the trick!

Feb 28, 2011

It gets better, I promise...

February 28, 2010 - Sick from chemotherapy; weak from two months of nasty chemicals. I can walk around the block or even do a small amount of cross-country skiing on a really good day. Looking forward, I still have to go through mastectomies and radiation therapy. I have cancer, and there's no telling if the treatment will be totally effective.

Fast forward to February 28, 2011. I look like a monster with my shirt off - or maybe like an old man - concave chest and big belly. BUT (and this is a very big, important but), I am so healthy, so strong and so happy! The cancer is gone, the surgery is long over and the chemo and rad therapy are now only memories. AND today, I am in Utah in the Big Cottonwood canyon, skiing. Downhill skiing all day today at Brighton and I'm skiing better than ever! It's a surprise to me that, at age 54, I am still capable of improving my skiing skills. But to be able to get better at it after all that junk, well, it's amazing and humbling. I am a lucky, lucky person!

Tomorrow, we go to Snowbird...


Feb 25, 2011

I think it's all gonna be OK

Had the biopsy yesterday. It was a lot like I remember from the last one. Except a tad more uncomfortable. It was not because of anything the doc or nurses did or didn't do. The lumps that they were sampling were smaller than the last time and just below the surface of the skin. The bumps are also right on top of my ribs - I've got no more breast tissue! So, I felt a lot of pressure. I felt the doc bearing down to send the core biopsy needle into my chest wall. But, I really didn't feel the needle sick at all because of the local anesthetic. And maybe a little bit because I've still got (and may always have) some numbness.

Oh, heck, I am just getting so tired of having 'things' done! I guess it would just be unreasonable to expect that, after the treatment is all done, that nothing medical will need attention in my life anymore. Especially since I'm getting older, too. I can dream, though, right?

I was, however, encouraged by the things the Radiologist said during the procedure. She couldn't and, smartly, wouldn't say anything definitive because the ultimate answer will be the results from pathology. But, I've worked with radiologists long enough to recognize when they are not concerned for tumor. Statements like "I'm not very impressed with that" and  "Squishy, squishy that's what we like" were music to my ears! So, next week when I go skiing, I will be thinking about my knee position and facing down the hill, not about a cancer recurrence.

Feb 24, 2011

I'm off to the Breast Center at Northwest Hospital today for a biopsy. I found two small lumps on my left side about 8 days ago. Two docs, both my Oncologist and Radiation Oncologist have taken a look and are not particularly worried. They think the lumps might be scar tissue because they appear, actually on both sides, near the end of the scars. It would also be incredibly bad luck to have a recurrence of the cancer right now. If it has come back, it is quite virulent. It would have had to survive the five months of chemo and 24 radiation treatments and bilateral mastectomies! Also, the PET/CT scan I had just this past December was clear; it showed no remaining disease.

So, given all that, I'm not especially worried about today. I might have ignored the lumps but now is the time to be vigilent, not to assume that everything's OK. But, the docs want me to go ahead with the biopsy anyway - just to be sure...

Feb 2, 2011

Oh, my eyes!

Well, shucks, Clem, mah eyelashes fell out agin! They jus' don't make 'em like they use ta. Las pair ah had lasted me nigh onta 53 year. This here last set only lasted 3 dang months! What's this whirl comin' to?

Jan 5, 2011

Another soul in the stew pot! But, I get to help...

A friend of mine asked me for some info for a friend of hers who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. I have to tell you that, while I am so very glad that I have come out on the other side, I do really like passing on what I learned. Feels like the whole experience had some greater meaning...

Hi K____ -


The best source of info about any side effects from the chemo is from the nurses in the Infusion Center - the nurses in the unit where she will get her chemo. They see everything - as opposed to the docs - and are the best people to talk to about chemo. By now, maybe your friend has had a tour of the place and can get in touch with them. Also, a good thing to remember is that we are the benefactors of many years experience in chemo treatment. Nowadays, they give you steroids and anti emetics that are very effective in preventing the most dramatic side effects. For most people, the days of serious vomiting and weight loss from chemo are over. They have also discovered that an equally effective dose can be much lower. For example, I received less than half the milligrams of Adriamycin (the Red Devil) that patients did just a few years ago so that alone lowers the side effects. Thanks to all our sisters with breast cancer who have gone before us! Chemo is no picnic and I feel for your friend. I'm so glad to be on the other side of it! Please send her my love and encouragement. She might want to check out my blog at janesposse.blogspot.com.